My History/My First Step pt1

I was reading a blogster's post the other day and she was talking about how her whole ordeal is over she just needs to start fresh somewhere else. I feel like I'm just starting to piece events of my crappy life together, to finally notice that I've seriously had a screwed up life. Fortunate in some things, but on the whole screwed up.

When I was younger my biological brother abused me, he was only 15 months older, and I don't know what to make of it. Regardless of that, my father was rarely home due to work and living rather far from the nearest town, friends weren't a commodity, so my brother became my friend and my father at the same time. So whatever he did I would follow. It wasn't till years later that I realized that all the stupid stuff he was doing was his own way of acting out due to a lack of father presence. Well this went on for many years I'd say from 6 to 10 years old where he'd have me touch him all the time, and he'd find adult magazines and have me look at them. The addiction of mine started over the summer, I was ten. My parents always sent us off to my grand mothers or my uncles place (only siblings I have). It all started when my brother came into my uncles office, where I was playing Commander Keen. He made me leave the computer he had something so cool he had to show me. Once we got to my uncles apartment above the restaurant he owned, he looked the door walked to the tv and pressed play on the vcr. With out having to go into details the video was an adult video. He processed with removing his pants and masturbating. I remember trying to leave and he brought me back to watch it some more, at which point I started masturbating. For the rest of the summer I was hooked on the videos and books that were found and playing cards. I was enthralled by what people did and what I could myself do.

Finally after a year of hiding books under my mattress, which my parents found changing my sheets (I was 11 and they didn't have much trust in me being able to do anything... anyways). We got a computer and the internet was available where we lived, so the first thing my father did once the computer was all set up, was a pact. This pact was simple if he went online and should us porn the compromise was we didn't go online and look at porn. Well all that managed to do was teach us how to find porn. Needless to say for the next years I was hooked to Internet pornography. I never paid for anything, and once I tried to use my mothers card to activate a FREE account as long as you sent you credit card details. Only thing I ever heard of it was my mother asking if we had charged anything to her card, and playing with technicalities I said no, since it was meant to be free.

Well this went on many times a day before and after school, with my parents usually gone at work I simply masturbated for hours. Finally when I was 16 I hooked up with a girl who didn't know I was a virgin and we had sex she only a year or so older. I felt like a man... when in reality I felt nothing. After that weekend I tried to have a lot, I had a little more confidence to try and sleep with other girls from my school. All attempts failed and honestly I'm glad they did in hindsight. The same summer I lost my virginity I moved to a new country and attended a completely different type of school. A boarding school to be precise. This particular school had a lot of messed up activities going on, and when I found a girl who was interested in me within days of attending the school, I immediately feel in love and within 3 weeks took he virginity.

This scenario of falling in love with the first girl I meet becomes a re-occurrence in my life. I'm done with that, with masturbating. You see when all these things were happening a lot of other things were set in motion such as my parents fighting all the time when they were together, when only one parent was present I constantly heard him or her badmouth the other. My brothers cooping mechanism was to constantly be the center of the attention to make jokes and to pull pranks on anyone. I was attached to most of those problems since I aspired to be him, he was the only constant father presence after all. So when I found masturbating it was a great source of relief, so much so that it became the best tool to relieve stress to release any anger. So today I have no clue how to express anger.

to be continued.... sanh