Checking-in

I have many things I want to shout, surprisingly I've been able to keep my cool. Although I think that the only reason I've kept my cool is because I'm so done so empty and just so willing in mind to just erase the past and start fresh. That can't happen though. I've got to clean up my mess, I'm getting confronted about lying and I might have, I just don't know.

Sunday I realized that I'd been lying about my sobriety. I thought I was on day 17 or 18 when in reality there was no sobriety. A little of something is something, what I mean to say is, if I touch myself even a little not to the point of orgasm for example, IT'S STILL TOUCHING MYSELF, therefor it's acting out and it's not sober. I realized this finally and instead of being a prick to myself and lying about something so small, which ends up hurting myself anyways, I've just come to my sense and set out what SOBER means.

So soberness huh? I don't even want to touch myself if I see an image not even through my cloth. If I start fantasizing which is probably my number two problem, I need to change my thoughts and not let them become anything AT ALL.

My acting out was such a cure to boredom and then a cooping mechanism that it's so ingrained in the back of my mind. Seeing someone and thinking of that person whether it was on tv or on the streets was a way to add variety to my addiction.

Well anyways it's been two days since I've prayed desperately to my heavenly father for help and reassurance. While I was praying that's when I realized I need to start back at zero, and everyday pay close attention to what I watch and what I think and what I do.

I ultimately want to fall in love with a person I ACTUALLY love, not some crazy one night stand that I fall head over heels for without knowing why! That's right I'm a love addict too. All my relationships except for one were doomed to start with because I "fell" in love. I'm just so angry and tired of living through that crap and afterward sitting there going... "wow maybe I should of done this differently".

Try this, "what if I don't get in that same scenario??? Huh ever thought of that???" I'm just so angry at myself for knowing I am and can be that pathetic. And this anger isn't good, I'll never heal if I hate myself. I'm just lost I guess.

sanh