I want to act out

I'm having such a hard time to not act out. I really want the feel of someone else against me and the sharing of our bodies... but do I want some one who loves me as this happens or just some one night stand. I just feel so anxious and frustrated inside that the only logical response is to act out. It's 10:30pm, we'll see what happens between now and when ever I find my bed.... hopefully not someone else's....

sanh

Not Ready To Communicate

Well I've just tried to read someone's blog. It was a sex addict like me... except I just couldn't read it... I felt dirty and just like a pedophile actually. And the damn internet is so blasted with nudity everywhere I can barely surf on any sites. To top it all off, people seem to think that Facebook is an appropriate place to show off there skimpy bathing suits or topless shots... for whatever reason! I'm just angry, I want to act out so bad but I can't. If I do it'll be 7 days work all shot to hell.

7 days, seriously what a joke! It's so late and I still have a lot of work to do for my job... yet I can't get my head around it... I want to have sex, with someone, on my own, doesn't matter. I can read people's blogs of how much pain sex addicts have caused them, but I can't read a sex addicts blog... there's a surprise since I go to SAA meetings (saa-recovery.org/meetings look for the country you're in and find your city for your local meetings... I strongly suggest it).

I feel like crap.

sanh

Starting to feel better

-s*** is spiraling out of control and I need to write out my thoughts.

For a long time now, I've been praying that things will get better. I've been asking my Higher Power for the strength to get through this and for patience for my situation. I've been praying that my husband will also find strength and acceptance, that he'll have the clarity to see how his addiction to porn is ripping apart our marriage.

Last night, however, I prayed that I'll no longer care.

I read this on http://loveinthetimeofaddiction.blogspot.com and it effected me because I've made people feel that way. It's not right of me in any way shape or form to make someone feel this. Once I had read the whole thing... twice over, I couldn't help but express my feelings... for once I felt something and I knew what I felt. so I responded with this:

I'm a sex addict myself and my best friend whom I live with is the one who sent me this link... I'm sorry, I'm really sorry to all the people that I've hurt, but also I'm sorry to know that you are this situation. I've been trying to clean up my act, because I can see the things you mentioned... yet I'm so detached from any emotions...

I'm sorry...

Well since this comment on the 17th, a week ago, I'm proud to say that I've been sober for 7 days. That hasn't happened in probably 4-5 months... where the longest streak was maybe 5 days.  I prayed that I'll no longer care. The pain this lady most be feeling is excruciating to think about and I wish it upon no one. And it's taken me 7 days down the line now... I don't know, to have effected another soul like that, KNOWING I'm screwed up... basically made me cry when I read her response to my comment.


However, something really strange but wonderful happened last night that did offer a greater degree of resolution in a roundabout sort of way. A total stranger who’s a sex addict found my blog and left a comment on a post I had written back when I was still living with Mark. In this post he came across, I describe in excruciating detail the depth of the pain I’m feeling. It’s really raw and so close up you can see the pores. It was hard even for me to read it again, so I can’t imagine it being easy for a stranger to read it and not turn away, wincing in a mixture of panic and horror over the seeming bottomlessness of it all. But this man read the entire thing, and then wrote this:

"I'm a sex addict myself and my best friend whom I live with is the one who sent me this link... I'm sorry, I'm really sorry to all the people that I've hurt, but also I'm sorry to know that you are this situation. I've been trying to clean up my act, because I can see the things you mentioned...

Yet I'm so detached from any emotions...

I'm sorry..."

When I read it, something in me broke loose and I just cried—sloppy, heaving, cleansing sobs. And when I was done, I felt like I could breathe just a little bit easier than I have for the past few years. It’s moments like these that make me believe in a Higher Power and allow me to readily see the connection between all human beings. I needed to hear “I’m sorry,” someone else needed to say it, and we, two complete strangers stumbling across each other in the blogosphere, both got some of what we needed. 

I'm just so overwhelmed, and reading that I helped her... just again right now... brings tears to my eyes.... I want to quit.... I hate this life I have..... everytime just makes it worst... and I've hurt myself so much  let alone ALL THE OTHERS.................. i'm just so done....

sanh

doing okay, so far

So this morning I've surprisingly been OK. I got up early after a good nights rest (it's been a while since I've had good rest) I helped my sister drive to school came back home and I got on my computer and started working. I've got my music playing in the background, and I'm working.... Sure the idea of acting out is present, but at the moment I can block myself from doing it.

I feel strong right now.

Last night though was a completely different story. We're 3 living together and I'm adopted, so if I dare do something out of sync I get to hear about it. Well this addiction has a horrible side effect, because I bottle my emotions in so tight, I have a hard time discussing important matters. These same matters are overblown in my mind, so when I try and tell someone what they are doing so we can discuss, it usually comes out as an angry comment.

Well anyways, last night I just couldn't take it anymore and I left twice. The first time I went to my church, my bishop had an open evening to talk with people. That helped, talking to someone who might not agree with me but at least listen without retaliating. The second time I just drove... had nowhere to go, I'm new in town and I don't have friends to I can depend on. So I parked in a restaurants parking lot and I actually did something good. I, for the first time, called my sponsor. It felt great to actually be able to talk to someone ONE on ONE about my problems and worries. I say one on one because people like my bishop aren't in the SAA and going through the same problems as I am. Not saying they don't have problems... just saying they aren't sex addicts.

Well anyways I drove home after the conversation. And I was calm and diffused, which takes us back to today. I'm feeling good. Tonight there's another SAA meeting, I'm afraid I won't be able to make it to the Saturday or Monday ones... so I need to attend.

sanh

AH CRAP!

well I screwed up... I managed 4 hours in front of my computer doing everything BUT act out... then all of a freaking sudden, I typed in something. So for how ever long I just looked at stuff. I heard at an SAA meeting the other day, someone mentioned they lose track of time once they start acting out. I can tell you it's so damn true.

So now I HAD been sober for 4 days... I've got to try again. It's frustrating!

Someone told me once to take it day by day hour by hour... I can't live like this anymore... I DON'T WANT ANY OF IT!!!!!!!!

don't want to hurt anyone
don't want to hide and act out
don't want to seek out from others, thus hurting them
don't want any of the anguish pain and stress this addiction brings me

I just want to be healed again!!!!!

sanh

Tough It Out!

I'm not as strong as I think I am and that's why I need to constantly make sure I don't screw up. It's always when I got cocky that I screw up. For example, if it's been a week of soberness that's when the feelings and the insecurities come in and I give in and act out.

I'm just a few days sober... yes I screwed up. Since I screwed up the feeling is back. I want to do something about it, but despair takes over and twirling my thumbs seems to be the only get away.

Though twirling my thumbs might work, it won't last... right now I'm doing everything but my work or anything productive....... it's killing me because I just want to act out.

This is though. I am right now struggling to not open a browser and just act out. I know I could call people etc... but seriously... my brain wants it so bad!!! I really am addicted. I can't simply turn away and forget it. I feel so pathetic, yet my brain keeps reminding me how fun it'll be.

back in while I'm sure

sanh

Trust!

Trust is not an easy thing to give or receive. I went to a meeting that once sparked a very short and meaningless relationship that turned into a sexual affair of one night. Well that same one night stand broke the trust with my best friend. The only person who believed in me, the one that helped me confront my family in times of hard ship and the one who got me to realize and admit to my addiction, is the one person who has no trust in me.

That's right I threw it all away, out of anger! And I had been sober for quite a while. I don't even know what I was angry about. Well tonight I went back to this meeting I used to attend weekly. After the incident with this individual I stopped going to the meetings, that was back in November. So tonight I thought I'd go back and get back in the swing of things. So the individual was there and nothing happened. I'm glad to say NOTHING happened, I didn't even talk to the person.

When I got home where I live with my best friend... I had to divulge the whole evening. I said how it went. My friend didn't believe me and I simply said that this was all that had happened. The point is because my friend has no trust in me I need to somehow sit there and make sure I rebuild the trust. Well I know I'm not lying but there's nothing I can do to change any ones mind... I'm afraid I'm dumbfounded by the whole issue... this sucks... a lot.

sanh

I'm An Idiot!

Well I'm an idiot... when someone is OBVIOUSLY flirting with you... don't think they're just going to be friends with you... ever. So my life became crap when two people were interested in me, and I choose to pay attention to both of them AT THE SAME TIME... I don't know why. Other than I'm an idiot.

I've lost friends and the trust of many through this crap and dishonesty.

I need help... you whoever you are, are helping. Instead of acting out or yelling at my loved ones... at least I hope I love them... writing this here, helps.

sanh

A Few Good Days

My last post was a few days ago. I've had quite an eventful few days. First Thursday I had to be up for 5.45 and I didn't get home till 6, during that long day I did not act out what so ever, no with the internet, not alone somewhere and not with someone. Once I arrived home it was out of the question, I don't even think I had any urges.

Friday was a busy day. I stayed home to finish my work and I never acted out. Around 4 I left for some snow camping with almost 20 people. The work was too important to stop and act out and the camping would of been such a wrong place to do anything... so yet another 24 hours free of harm to myself.

Saturday 11.56am now and still nothing although in the shower I got worked up... I let it go and just got out of the shower, and remembered I need to upkeep my blog. Blog = therapy = healing.

So even though I'd like to watch and see people online right this minute, instead I'll turn on a game or something and just do what I'm meant to do on a Saturday... Relax.

The SAA ( http://saa-recovery.org/ ) has a saying, be gentle to yourself... and that's what I intend to do. Sober for almost a week since I started counting. I'm aiming for years... I better keep going.

(expect another post today)

Counseling and Realisations

My counseling was sick yesterday and he had to cancel our meeting. Ironically I didn't act out yesterday, you see for the pass 2 meetings I acted out right before seeing him... counter productive to say the least. When I received the call that he could not make the meeting I struggled, a lot, nothing happened though!

Today I woke up and I've been busy since, and I think that's where the trick is, keeping yourself busy and staying away of the computer when you have to do. It's all to easy to find anything to help you act out. Once that urge begins, it's really hard to stop yourself, especially if you physically do not remove yourself from the situation.

While I try to not act out physically, I can't forget to keep my mind occupied. Ultimately that's where the problem hides. My brain is the source, the chemicals, the ideas, the lack of strength they all spark from my brain, my thoughts. That's why I need to avoid certain shows and websites. Maybe one day I will be able to go on those same sites and watch those shows that I've blocked myself from viewing, until then though, I must not indulge. Just a glimpse is not allowed. That glimpse will more than likely become an urge that will only find satisfaction in acting out.

One thing that most don't seem to realize, in this addicts eyes, acting out isn't a good feeling, hence why we keep doing it. It wasn't good last time, so maybe this time. Honestly it's stupid, that thought is one of the reason of my undoing.

Now, as an addict, I have recognized and accepted that I'm an addict, I just need to actually do something about it. One of those things is Counseling. I'll keep going when ever I can.

sanh

Sex Addict = Hurting People

So being a sex addict only means you end up hurting people... and yourself.

Hi my name for this blog is Sanh (sex addict needing help). This isn't a call out for help, the SAA (sex addicts anonymous http://saa-recovery.org) is there for that. This is to express how I feel, not to justify myself not to try and change peoples minds that being a sex addict is OK. You see being a sex addict comes with terrible consequences, the biggest one for me is the expression of feelings. Today I finally did it, I'm writing a Blog about my feelings and hopefully that will help me become better; to myself and everyone around me.

When I was young I was abused sexually, physically and most definitely, mentally abused. The family I was raised in had and has no idea how to convey emotions. When I was ten my brother found my uncles porn stash and he just had to show me. And thus started the next decades of pain and suffering I have been going through. I will admit all the years of masturbation caused no problems to anyone other than me and my soul, although once my addiction reached other people that's where all the trouble began.

When one has no feelings to convey what is there to speak of. For one, there's sex and parties. At a very young age (can't even remember when it actually all started) I learned that sleeping with as many girls is what we strive to do. THIS IS WRONG I know, merely giving you an insight at how I was brought up. Basically I am at the point where I want MY life to be mine, yet I find myself in public situations where I will only be interested in the prettiest person around... avoiding all others and only looking for a physical relationship with the ONE person present. Meanwhile I'm telling myself that I'm looking for one and only... sex doesn't NOT equal finding the right one. Especially when sex isn't even good anymore. Just the search for the sex is so entrancing that one in bed with the partner, who's name is always forgotten, is just sex, emotionless and empty. Porn actually fills in the void that I can't fill with sex. You see my emotions are so hidden that I can't even open to the person with whom I'm sleeping, and most likely exchanging STDs (Sexually Transmitted Disease) or STIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections) for anyone British.

At this point you've realized that my mind runs at about 1000 mp/h or 1609.344 km/h. Emotions are so hidden inside of me that I have a lot of problems putting words to the actually emotions felt, whether it be at a shopping mall with someone who's really annoying and I blow up or at home when all I want is peace and everyone asks me to do everything... so it seems. Right there I can't even explain two possible situations because I don't know how the interactions should be.

So thanks mom and dad for not teaching me emotions... I'll find out what they are on my own. As for my addiction, I'll try to keep my hands to myself and refrain from going online........

sanh