I'm not as strong as I think I am and that's why I need to constantly make sure I don't screw up. It's always when I got cocky that I screw up. For example, if it's been a week of soberness that's when the feelings and the insecurities come in and I give in and act out.
I'm just a few days sober... yes I screwed up. Since I screwed up the feeling is back. I want to do something about it, but despair takes over and twirling my thumbs seems to be the only get away.
Though twirling my thumbs might work, it won't last... right now I'm doing everything but my work or anything productive....... it's killing me because I just want to act out.
This is though. I am right now struggling to not open a browser and just act out. I know I could call people etc... but seriously... my brain wants it so bad!!! I really am addicted. I can't simply turn away and forget it. I feel so pathetic, yet my brain keeps reminding me how fun it'll be.
back in while I'm sure
sanh
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