Starting to feel better

-s*** is spiraling out of control and I need to write out my thoughts.

For a long time now, I've been praying that things will get better. I've been asking my Higher Power for the strength to get through this and for patience for my situation. I've been praying that my husband will also find strength and acceptance, that he'll have the clarity to see how his addiction to porn is ripping apart our marriage.

Last night, however, I prayed that I'll no longer care.

I read this on http://loveinthetimeofaddiction.blogspot.com and it effected me because I've made people feel that way. It's not right of me in any way shape or form to make someone feel this. Once I had read the whole thing... twice over, I couldn't help but express my feelings... for once I felt something and I knew what I felt. so I responded with this:

I'm a sex addict myself and my best friend whom I live with is the one who sent me this link... I'm sorry, I'm really sorry to all the people that I've hurt, but also I'm sorry to know that you are this situation. I've been trying to clean up my act, because I can see the things you mentioned... yet I'm so detached from any emotions...

I'm sorry...

Well since this comment on the 17th, a week ago, I'm proud to say that I've been sober for 7 days. That hasn't happened in probably 4-5 months... where the longest streak was maybe 5 days.  I prayed that I'll no longer care. The pain this lady most be feeling is excruciating to think about and I wish it upon no one. And it's taken me 7 days down the line now... I don't know, to have effected another soul like that, KNOWING I'm screwed up... basically made me cry when I read her response to my comment.


However, something really strange but wonderful happened last night that did offer a greater degree of resolution in a roundabout sort of way. A total stranger who’s a sex addict found my blog and left a comment on a post I had written back when I was still living with Mark. In this post he came across, I describe in excruciating detail the depth of the pain I’m feeling. It’s really raw and so close up you can see the pores. It was hard even for me to read it again, so I can’t imagine it being easy for a stranger to read it and not turn away, wincing in a mixture of panic and horror over the seeming bottomlessness of it all. But this man read the entire thing, and then wrote this:

"I'm a sex addict myself and my best friend whom I live with is the one who sent me this link... I'm sorry, I'm really sorry to all the people that I've hurt, but also I'm sorry to know that you are this situation. I've been trying to clean up my act, because I can see the things you mentioned...

Yet I'm so detached from any emotions...

I'm sorry..."

When I read it, something in me broke loose and I just cried—sloppy, heaving, cleansing sobs. And when I was done, I felt like I could breathe just a little bit easier than I have for the past few years. It’s moments like these that make me believe in a Higher Power and allow me to readily see the connection between all human beings. I needed to hear “I’m sorry,” someone else needed to say it, and we, two complete strangers stumbling across each other in the blogosphere, both got some of what we needed. 

I'm just so overwhelmed, and reading that I helped her... just again right now... brings tears to my eyes.... I want to quit.... I hate this life I have..... everytime just makes it worst... and I've hurt myself so much  let alone ALL THE OTHERS.................. i'm just so done....

sanh