Counseling and Realisations

My counseling was sick yesterday and he had to cancel our meeting. Ironically I didn't act out yesterday, you see for the pass 2 meetings I acted out right before seeing him... counter productive to say the least. When I received the call that he could not make the meeting I struggled, a lot, nothing happened though!

Today I woke up and I've been busy since, and I think that's where the trick is, keeping yourself busy and staying away of the computer when you have to do. It's all to easy to find anything to help you act out. Once that urge begins, it's really hard to stop yourself, especially if you physically do not remove yourself from the situation.

While I try to not act out physically, I can't forget to keep my mind occupied. Ultimately that's where the problem hides. My brain is the source, the chemicals, the ideas, the lack of strength they all spark from my brain, my thoughts. That's why I need to avoid certain shows and websites. Maybe one day I will be able to go on those same sites and watch those shows that I've blocked myself from viewing, until then though, I must not indulge. Just a glimpse is not allowed. That glimpse will more than likely become an urge that will only find satisfaction in acting out.

One thing that most don't seem to realize, in this addicts eyes, acting out isn't a good feeling, hence why we keep doing it. It wasn't good last time, so maybe this time. Honestly it's stupid, that thought is one of the reason of my undoing.

Now, as an addict, I have recognized and accepted that I'm an addict, I just need to actually do something about it. One of those things is Counseling. I'll keep going when ever I can.

sanh