So this morning I've surprisingly been OK. I got up early after a good nights rest (it's been a while since I've had good rest) I helped my sister drive to school came back home and I got on my computer and started working. I've got my music playing in the background, and I'm working.... Sure the idea of acting out is present, but at the moment I can block myself from doing it.
I feel strong right now.
Last night though was a completely different story. We're 3 living together and I'm adopted, so if I dare do something out of sync I get to hear about it. Well this addiction has a horrible side effect, because I bottle my emotions in so tight, I have a hard time discussing important matters. These same matters are overblown in my mind, so when I try and tell someone what they are doing so we can discuss, it usually comes out as an angry comment.
Well anyways, last night I just couldn't take it anymore and I left twice. The first time I went to my church, my bishop had an open evening to talk with people. That helped, talking to someone who might not agree with me but at least listen without retaliating. The second time I just drove... had nowhere to go, I'm new in town and I don't have friends to I can depend on. So I parked in a restaurants parking lot and I actually did something good. I, for the first time, called my sponsor. It felt great to actually be able to talk to someone ONE on ONE about my problems and worries. I say one on one because people like my bishop aren't in the SAA and going through the same problems as I am. Not saying they don't have problems... just saying they aren't sex addicts.
Well anyways I drove home after the conversation. And I was calm and diffused, which takes us back to today. I'm feeling good. Tonight there's another SAA meeting, I'm afraid I won't be able to make it to the Saturday or Monday ones... so I need to attend.
sanh
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