Well I've just tried to read someone's blog. It was a sex addict like me... except I just couldn't read it... I felt dirty and just like a pedophile actually. And the damn internet is so blasted with nudity everywhere I can barely surf on any sites. To top it all off, people seem to think that Facebook is an appropriate place to show off there skimpy bathing suits or topless shots... for whatever reason! I'm just angry, I want to act out so bad but I can't. If I do it'll be 7 days work all shot to hell.
7 days, seriously what a joke! It's so late and I still have a lot of work to do for my job... yet I can't get my head around it... I want to have sex, with someone, on my own, doesn't matter. I can read people's blogs of how much pain sex addicts have caused them, but I can't read a sex addicts blog... there's a surprise since I go to SAA meetings (saa-recovery.org/meetings look for the country you're in and find your city for your local meetings... I strongly suggest it).
I feel like crap.
sanh
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Starting to feel better
-s*** is spiraling out of control and I need to write out my thoughts.
For a long time now, I've been praying that things will get better. I've been asking my Higher Power for the strength to get through this and for patience for my situation. I've been praying that my husband will also find strength and acceptance, that he'll have the clarity to see how his addiction to porn is ripping apart our marriage.
Last night, however, I prayed that I'll no longer care.
I read this on http://loveinthetimeofaddiction.blogspot.com and it effected me because I've made people feel that way. It's not right of me in any way shape or form to make someone feel this. Once I had read the whole thing... twice over, I couldn't help but express my feelings... for once I felt something and I knew what I felt. so I responded with this:
I'm a sex addict myself and my best friend whom I live with is the one who sent me this link... I'm sorry, I'm really sorry to all the people that I've hurt, but also I'm sorry to know that you are this situation. I've been trying to clean up my act, because I can see the things you mentioned... yet I'm so detached from any emotions...
I'm sorry...
Well since this comment on the 17th, a week ago, I'm proud to say that I've been sober for 7 days. That hasn't happened in probably 4-5 months... where the longest streak was maybe 5 days. I prayed that I'll no longer care. The pain this lady most be feeling is excruciating to think about and I wish it upon no one. And it's taken me 7 days down the line now... I don't know, to have effected another soul like that, KNOWING I'm screwed up... basically made me cry when I read her response to my comment.
However, something really strange but wonderful happened last night that did offer a greater degree of resolution in a roundabout sort of way. A total stranger who’s a sex addict found my blog and left a comment on a post I had written back when I was still living with Mark. In this post he came across, I describe in excruciating detail the depth of the pain I’m feeling. It’s really raw and so close up you can see the pores. It was hard even for me to read it again, so I can’t imagine it being easy for a stranger to read it and not turn away, wincing in a mixture of panic and horror over the seeming bottomlessness of it all. But this man read the entire thing, and then wrote this:
"I'm a sex addict myself and my best friend whom I live with is the one who sent me this link... I'm sorry, I'm really sorry to all the people that I've hurt, but also I'm sorry to know that you are this situation. I've been trying to clean up my act, because I can see the things you mentioned...
Yet I'm so detached from any emotions...
I'm sorry..."
When I read it, something in me broke loose and I just cried—sloppy, heaving, cleansing sobs. And when I was done, I felt like I could breathe just a little bit easier than I have for the past few years. It’s moments like these that make me believe in a Higher Power and allow me to readily see the connection between all human beings. I needed to hear “I’m sorry,” someone else needed to say it, and we, two complete strangers stumbling across each other in the blogosphere, both got some of what we needed.
I'm just so overwhelmed, and reading that I helped her... just again right now... brings tears to my eyes.... I want to quit.... I hate this life I have..... everytime just makes it worst... and I've hurt myself so much let alone ALL THE OTHERS.................. i'm just so done....
sanh
For a long time now, I've been praying that things will get better. I've been asking my Higher Power for the strength to get through this and for patience for my situation. I've been praying that my husband will also find strength and acceptance, that he'll have the clarity to see how his addiction to porn is ripping apart our marriage.
Last night, however, I prayed that I'll no longer care.
I read this on http://loveinthetimeofaddiction.blogspot.com and it effected me because I've made people feel that way. It's not right of me in any way shape or form to make someone feel this. Once I had read the whole thing... twice over, I couldn't help but express my feelings... for once I felt something and I knew what I felt. so I responded with this:
I'm a sex addict myself and my best friend whom I live with is the one who sent me this link... I'm sorry, I'm really sorry to all the people that I've hurt, but also I'm sorry to know that you are this situation. I've been trying to clean up my act, because I can see the things you mentioned... yet I'm so detached from any emotions...
I'm sorry...
Well since this comment on the 17th, a week ago, I'm proud to say that I've been sober for 7 days. That hasn't happened in probably 4-5 months... where the longest streak was maybe 5 days. I prayed that I'll no longer care. The pain this lady most be feeling is excruciating to think about and I wish it upon no one. And it's taken me 7 days down the line now... I don't know, to have effected another soul like that, KNOWING I'm screwed up... basically made me cry when I read her response to my comment.
However, something really strange but wonderful happened last night that did offer a greater degree of resolution in a roundabout sort of way. A total stranger who’s a sex addict found my blog and left a comment on a post I had written back when I was still living with Mark. In this post he came across, I describe in excruciating detail the depth of the pain I’m feeling. It’s really raw and so close up you can see the pores. It was hard even for me to read it again, so I can’t imagine it being easy for a stranger to read it and not turn away, wincing in a mixture of panic and horror over the seeming bottomlessness of it all. But this man read the entire thing, and then wrote this:
"I'm a sex addict myself and my best friend whom I live with is the one who sent me this link... I'm sorry, I'm really sorry to all the people that I've hurt, but also I'm sorry to know that you are this situation. I've been trying to clean up my act, because I can see the things you mentioned...
Yet I'm so detached from any emotions...
I'm sorry..."
When I read it, something in me broke loose and I just cried—sloppy, heaving, cleansing sobs. And when I was done, I felt like I could breathe just a little bit easier than I have for the past few years. It’s moments like these that make me believe in a Higher Power and allow me to readily see the connection between all human beings. I needed to hear “I’m sorry,” someone else needed to say it, and we, two complete strangers stumbling across each other in the blogosphere, both got some of what we needed.
I'm just so overwhelmed, and reading that I helped her... just again right now... brings tears to my eyes.... I want to quit.... I hate this life I have..... everytime just makes it worst... and I've hurt myself so much let alone ALL THE OTHERS.................. i'm just so done....
sanh
Thursday, February 18, 2010
doing okay, so far
So this morning I've surprisingly been OK. I got up early after a good nights rest (it's been a while since I've had good rest) I helped my sister drive to school came back home and I got on my computer and started working. I've got my music playing in the background, and I'm working.... Sure the idea of acting out is present, but at the moment I can block myself from doing it.
I feel strong right now.
Last night though was a completely different story. We're 3 living together and I'm adopted, so if I dare do something out of sync I get to hear about it. Well this addiction has a horrible side effect, because I bottle my emotions in so tight, I have a hard time discussing important matters. These same matters are overblown in my mind, so when I try and tell someone what they are doing so we can discuss, it usually comes out as an angry comment.
Well anyways, last night I just couldn't take it anymore and I left twice. The first time I went to my church, my bishop had an open evening to talk with people. That helped, talking to someone who might not agree with me but at least listen without retaliating. The second time I just drove... had nowhere to go, I'm new in town and I don't have friends to I can depend on. So I parked in a restaurants parking lot and I actually did something good. I, for the first time, called my sponsor. It felt great to actually be able to talk to someone ONE on ONE about my problems and worries. I say one on one because people like my bishop aren't in the SAA and going through the same problems as I am. Not saying they don't have problems... just saying they aren't sex addicts.
Well anyways I drove home after the conversation. And I was calm and diffused, which takes us back to today. I'm feeling good. Tonight there's another SAA meeting, I'm afraid I won't be able to make it to the Saturday or Monday ones... so I need to attend.
sanh
I feel strong right now.
Last night though was a completely different story. We're 3 living together and I'm adopted, so if I dare do something out of sync I get to hear about it. Well this addiction has a horrible side effect, because I bottle my emotions in so tight, I have a hard time discussing important matters. These same matters are overblown in my mind, so when I try and tell someone what they are doing so we can discuss, it usually comes out as an angry comment.
Well anyways, last night I just couldn't take it anymore and I left twice. The first time I went to my church, my bishop had an open evening to talk with people. That helped, talking to someone who might not agree with me but at least listen without retaliating. The second time I just drove... had nowhere to go, I'm new in town and I don't have friends to I can depend on. So I parked in a restaurants parking lot and I actually did something good. I, for the first time, called my sponsor. It felt great to actually be able to talk to someone ONE on ONE about my problems and worries. I say one on one because people like my bishop aren't in the SAA and going through the same problems as I am. Not saying they don't have problems... just saying they aren't sex addicts.
Well anyways I drove home after the conversation. And I was calm and diffused, which takes us back to today. I'm feeling good. Tonight there's another SAA meeting, I'm afraid I won't be able to make it to the Saturday or Monday ones... so I need to attend.
sanh
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
AH CRAP!
well I screwed up... I managed 4 hours in front of my computer doing everything BUT act out... then all of a freaking sudden, I typed in something. So for how ever long I just looked at stuff. I heard at an SAA meeting the other day, someone mentioned they lose track of time once they start acting out. I can tell you it's so damn true.
So now I HAD been sober for 4 days... I've got to try again. It's frustrating!
Someone told me once to take it day by day hour by hour... I can't live like this anymore... I DON'T WANT ANY OF IT!!!!!!!!
don't want to hurt anyone
don't want to hide and act out
don't want to seek out from others, thus hurting them
don't want any of the anguish pain and stress this addiction brings me
I just want to be healed again!!!!!
sanh
So now I HAD been sober for 4 days... I've got to try again. It's frustrating!
Someone told me once to take it day by day hour by hour... I can't live like this anymore... I DON'T WANT ANY OF IT!!!!!!!!
don't want to hurt anyone
don't want to hide and act out
don't want to seek out from others, thus hurting them
don't want any of the anguish pain and stress this addiction brings me
I just want to be healed again!!!!!
sanh
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Tough It Out!
I'm not as strong as I think I am and that's why I need to constantly make sure I don't screw up. It's always when I got cocky that I screw up. For example, if it's been a week of soberness that's when the feelings and the insecurities come in and I give in and act out.
I'm just a few days sober... yes I screwed up. Since I screwed up the feeling is back. I want to do something about it, but despair takes over and twirling my thumbs seems to be the only get away.
Though twirling my thumbs might work, it won't last... right now I'm doing everything but my work or anything productive....... it's killing me because I just want to act out.
This is though. I am right now struggling to not open a browser and just act out. I know I could call people etc... but seriously... my brain wants it so bad!!! I really am addicted. I can't simply turn away and forget it. I feel so pathetic, yet my brain keeps reminding me how fun it'll be.
back in while I'm sure
sanh
I'm just a few days sober... yes I screwed up. Since I screwed up the feeling is back. I want to do something about it, but despair takes over and twirling my thumbs seems to be the only get away.
Though twirling my thumbs might work, it won't last... right now I'm doing everything but my work or anything productive....... it's killing me because I just want to act out.
This is though. I am right now struggling to not open a browser and just act out. I know I could call people etc... but seriously... my brain wants it so bad!!! I really am addicted. I can't simply turn away and forget it. I feel so pathetic, yet my brain keeps reminding me how fun it'll be.
back in while I'm sure
sanh
Monday, February 15, 2010
Trust!
Trust is not an easy thing to give or receive. I went to a meeting that once sparked a very short and meaningless relationship that turned into a sexual affair of one night. Well that same one night stand broke the trust with my best friend. The only person who believed in me, the one that helped me confront my family in times of hard ship and the one who got me to realize and admit to my addiction, is the one person who has no trust in me.
That's right I threw it all away, out of anger! And I had been sober for quite a while. I don't even know what I was angry about. Well tonight I went back to this meeting I used to attend weekly. After the incident with this individual I stopped going to the meetings, that was back in November. So tonight I thought I'd go back and get back in the swing of things. So the individual was there and nothing happened. I'm glad to say NOTHING happened, I didn't even talk to the person.
When I got home where I live with my best friend... I had to divulge the whole evening. I said how it went. My friend didn't believe me and I simply said that this was all that had happened. The point is because my friend has no trust in me I need to somehow sit there and make sure I rebuild the trust. Well I know I'm not lying but there's nothing I can do to change any ones mind... I'm afraid I'm dumbfounded by the whole issue... this sucks... a lot.
sanh
That's right I threw it all away, out of anger! And I had been sober for quite a while. I don't even know what I was angry about. Well tonight I went back to this meeting I used to attend weekly. After the incident with this individual I stopped going to the meetings, that was back in November. So tonight I thought I'd go back and get back in the swing of things. So the individual was there and nothing happened. I'm glad to say NOTHING happened, I didn't even talk to the person.
When I got home where I live with my best friend... I had to divulge the whole evening. I said how it went. My friend didn't believe me and I simply said that this was all that had happened. The point is because my friend has no trust in me I need to somehow sit there and make sure I rebuild the trust. Well I know I'm not lying but there's nothing I can do to change any ones mind... I'm afraid I'm dumbfounded by the whole issue... this sucks... a lot.
sanh
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
I'm An Idiot!
Well I'm an idiot... when someone is OBVIOUSLY flirting with you... don't think they're just going to be friends with you... ever. So my life became crap when two people were interested in me, and I choose to pay attention to both of them AT THE SAME TIME... I don't know why. Other than I'm an idiot.
I've lost friends and the trust of many through this crap and dishonesty.
I need help... you whoever you are, are helping. Instead of acting out or yelling at my loved ones... at least I hope I love them... writing this here, helps.
sanh
I've lost friends and the trust of many through this crap and dishonesty.
I need help... you whoever you are, are helping. Instead of acting out or yelling at my loved ones... at least I hope I love them... writing this here, helps.
sanh
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
