So I haven't acted out since that one Thursday... but I am having some difficulties with fantasizing. I just go off in my own world and I get myself aroused by what I think. Well I'm not liking this, I just want to act out because of what I'm thinking. Anyways I just needed to get this off my chest and realize and IDENTIFY the fact that I'm fantasizing and just make it stop.
sanh
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
It's been a while
Well it's been a while since I left a message. I actually feel good this week, although last Thursday in a used book store I passed by a section for sex, healthy sex human sexuality and sex advice type of books... I know I didn't pass by it on purpose!!! THAT MUCH I KNOW... problem was I was looking for a food book... literally next to the sex aisle. After jittering for a while knowing what was right there... like an idiot I broke over a week and a half's worth of sobriety and picked up a book. It was a collection of mini stories in cartoon format. and I just had to read and look... I'm just so hurt... I'm not even angry at myself anymore. I'm just hurt... this feeling inside trying to burst out of me is so tiring to push back. I want to act out to the point where I think I NEED to act out. Plus it really doesn't help that everyone is wearing a LOT less clothes being the beginning of a warmer period. I try and read holy scriptures every day and keep myself in line... but it's so hard with these feelings ALWAYS hovering over me... or inside of me....
sanh
sanh
Monday, March 15, 2010
Jitters
I get the jitters if it's been a while! I feel like an addict.
Last Sunday I restated and restarted my soberness. By restate I mean, FULL abstinence, things like touching myself in the shower is only for cleaning purposes NOTHING ELSE, fantasizing must be stopped once noticed instead of indulging and further hurting myself. Looking at pictures but not touching myself, is still a form of acting out. Touching myself but not reaching orgasm is stills acting out!
So by restating the terms of my soberness I was able to restart my rehabilitation. So it's been 8 full days now. And it sucks!!! my cooping mechanisms are gone... what else am I suppose to do!?! oh well I'll figure it out!
So I was proposed the idea by my best friend that I start dating. Yep actually dating with a curfew, so no one night stands! I've never dated... I'm scared. All my past relationships have all been to get laid not to find love. Ironically through the getting laid I found love... yet it wasn't love. NOPE. It was lust! oh lust how I loath you!
So another realization another day.
sanh
Last Sunday I restated and restarted my soberness. By restate I mean, FULL abstinence, things like touching myself in the shower is only for cleaning purposes NOTHING ELSE, fantasizing must be stopped once noticed instead of indulging and further hurting myself. Looking at pictures but not touching myself, is still a form of acting out. Touching myself but not reaching orgasm is stills acting out!
So by restating the terms of my soberness I was able to restart my rehabilitation. So it's been 8 full days now. And it sucks!!! my cooping mechanisms are gone... what else am I suppose to do!?! oh well I'll figure it out!
So I was proposed the idea by my best friend that I start dating. Yep actually dating with a curfew, so no one night stands! I've never dated... I'm scared. All my past relationships have all been to get laid not to find love. Ironically through the getting laid I found love... yet it wasn't love. NOPE. It was lust! oh lust how I loath you!
So another realization another day.
sanh
Monday, March 8, 2010
Checking-in
I have many things I want to shout, surprisingly I've been able to keep my cool. Although I think that the only reason I've kept my cool is because I'm so done so empty and just so willing in mind to just erase the past and start fresh. That can't happen though. I've got to clean up my mess, I'm getting confronted about lying and I might have, I just don't know.
Sunday I realized that I'd been lying about my sobriety. I thought I was on day 17 or 18 when in reality there was no sobriety. A little of something is something, what I mean to say is, if I touch myself even a little not to the point of orgasm for example, IT'S STILL TOUCHING MYSELF, therefor it's acting out and it's not sober. I realized this finally and instead of being a prick to myself and lying about something so small, which ends up hurting myself anyways, I've just come to my sense and set out what SOBER means.
So soberness huh? I don't even want to touch myself if I see an image not even through my cloth. If I start fantasizing which is probably my number two problem, I need to change my thoughts and not let them become anything AT ALL.
My acting out was such a cure to boredom and then a cooping mechanism that it's so ingrained in the back of my mind. Seeing someone and thinking of that person whether it was on tv or on the streets was a way to add variety to my addiction.
Well anyways it's been two days since I've prayed desperately to my heavenly father for help and reassurance. While I was praying that's when I realized I need to start back at zero, and everyday pay close attention to what I watch and what I think and what I do.
I ultimately want to fall in love with a person I ACTUALLY love, not some crazy one night stand that I fall head over heels for without knowing why! That's right I'm a love addict too. All my relationships except for one were doomed to start with because I "fell" in love. I'm just so angry and tired of living through that crap and afterward sitting there going... "wow maybe I should of done this differently".
Try this, "what if I don't get in that same scenario??? Huh ever thought of that???" I'm just so angry at myself for knowing I am and can be that pathetic. And this anger isn't good, I'll never heal if I hate myself. I'm just lost I guess.
sanh
Sunday I realized that I'd been lying about my sobriety. I thought I was on day 17 or 18 when in reality there was no sobriety. A little of something is something, what I mean to say is, if I touch myself even a little not to the point of orgasm for example, IT'S STILL TOUCHING MYSELF, therefor it's acting out and it's not sober. I realized this finally and instead of being a prick to myself and lying about something so small, which ends up hurting myself anyways, I've just come to my sense and set out what SOBER means.
So soberness huh? I don't even want to touch myself if I see an image not even through my cloth. If I start fantasizing which is probably my number two problem, I need to change my thoughts and not let them become anything AT ALL.
My acting out was such a cure to boredom and then a cooping mechanism that it's so ingrained in the back of my mind. Seeing someone and thinking of that person whether it was on tv or on the streets was a way to add variety to my addiction.
Well anyways it's been two days since I've prayed desperately to my heavenly father for help and reassurance. While I was praying that's when I realized I need to start back at zero, and everyday pay close attention to what I watch and what I think and what I do.
I ultimately want to fall in love with a person I ACTUALLY love, not some crazy one night stand that I fall head over heels for without knowing why! That's right I'm a love addict too. All my relationships except for one were doomed to start with because I "fell" in love. I'm just so angry and tired of living through that crap and afterward sitting there going... "wow maybe I should of done this differently".
Try this, "what if I don't get in that same scenario??? Huh ever thought of that???" I'm just so angry at myself for knowing I am and can be that pathetic. And this anger isn't good, I'll never heal if I hate myself. I'm just lost I guess.
sanh
Thursday, March 4, 2010
My History/My First Step pt1
I was reading a blogster's post the other day and she was talking about how her whole ordeal is over she just needs to start fresh somewhere else. I feel like I'm just starting to piece events of my crappy life together, to finally notice that I've seriously had a screwed up life. Fortunate in some things, but on the whole screwed up.
When I was younger my biological brother abused me, he was only 15 months older, and I don't know what to make of it. Regardless of that, my father was rarely home due to work and living rather far from the nearest town, friends weren't a commodity, so my brother became my friend and my father at the same time. So whatever he did I would follow. It wasn't till years later that I realized that all the stupid stuff he was doing was his own way of acting out due to a lack of father presence. Well this went on for many years I'd say from 6 to 10 years old where he'd have me touch him all the time, and he'd find adult magazines and have me look at them. The addiction of mine started over the summer, I was ten. My parents always sent us off to my grand mothers or my uncles place (only siblings I have). It all started when my brother came into my uncles office, where I was playing Commander Keen. He made me leave the computer he had something so cool he had to show me. Once we got to my uncles apartment above the restaurant he owned, he looked the door walked to the tv and pressed play on the vcr. With out having to go into details the video was an adult video. He processed with removing his pants and masturbating. I remember trying to leave and he brought me back to watch it some more, at which point I started masturbating. For the rest of the summer I was hooked on the videos and books that were found and playing cards. I was enthralled by what people did and what I could myself do.
Finally after a year of hiding books under my mattress, which my parents found changing my sheets (I was 11 and they didn't have much trust in me being able to do anything... anyways). We got a computer and the internet was available where we lived, so the first thing my father did once the computer was all set up, was a pact. This pact was simple if he went online and should us porn the compromise was we didn't go online and look at porn. Well all that managed to do was teach us how to find porn. Needless to say for the next years I was hooked to Internet pornography. I never paid for anything, and once I tried to use my mothers card to activate a FREE account as long as you sent you credit card details. Only thing I ever heard of it was my mother asking if we had charged anything to her card, and playing with technicalities I said no, since it was meant to be free.
Well this went on many times a day before and after school, with my parents usually gone at work I simply masturbated for hours. Finally when I was 16 I hooked up with a girl who didn't know I was a virgin and we had sex she only a year or so older. I felt like a man... when in reality I felt nothing. After that weekend I tried to have a lot, I had a little more confidence to try and sleep with other girls from my school. All attempts failed and honestly I'm glad they did in hindsight. The same summer I lost my virginity I moved to a new country and attended a completely different type of school. A boarding school to be precise. This particular school had a lot of messed up activities going on, and when I found a girl who was interested in me within days of attending the school, I immediately feel in love and within 3 weeks took he virginity.
This scenario of falling in love with the first girl I meet becomes a re-occurrence in my life. I'm done with that, with masturbating. You see when all these things were happening a lot of other things were set in motion such as my parents fighting all the time when they were together, when only one parent was present I constantly heard him or her badmouth the other. My brothers cooping mechanism was to constantly be the center of the attention to make jokes and to pull pranks on anyone. I was attached to most of those problems since I aspired to be him, he was the only constant father presence after all. So when I found masturbating it was a great source of relief, so much so that it became the best tool to relieve stress to release any anger. So today I have no clue how to express anger.
to be continued.... sanh
When I was younger my biological brother abused me, he was only 15 months older, and I don't know what to make of it. Regardless of that, my father was rarely home due to work and living rather far from the nearest town, friends weren't a commodity, so my brother became my friend and my father at the same time. So whatever he did I would follow. It wasn't till years later that I realized that all the stupid stuff he was doing was his own way of acting out due to a lack of father presence. Well this went on for many years I'd say from 6 to 10 years old where he'd have me touch him all the time, and he'd find adult magazines and have me look at them. The addiction of mine started over the summer, I was ten. My parents always sent us off to my grand mothers or my uncles place (only siblings I have). It all started when my brother came into my uncles office, where I was playing Commander Keen. He made me leave the computer he had something so cool he had to show me. Once we got to my uncles apartment above the restaurant he owned, he looked the door walked to the tv and pressed play on the vcr. With out having to go into details the video was an adult video. He processed with removing his pants and masturbating. I remember trying to leave and he brought me back to watch it some more, at which point I started masturbating. For the rest of the summer I was hooked on the videos and books that were found and playing cards. I was enthralled by what people did and what I could myself do.
Finally after a year of hiding books under my mattress, which my parents found changing my sheets (I was 11 and they didn't have much trust in me being able to do anything... anyways). We got a computer and the internet was available where we lived, so the first thing my father did once the computer was all set up, was a pact. This pact was simple if he went online and should us porn the compromise was we didn't go online and look at porn. Well all that managed to do was teach us how to find porn. Needless to say for the next years I was hooked to Internet pornography. I never paid for anything, and once I tried to use my mothers card to activate a FREE account as long as you sent you credit card details. Only thing I ever heard of it was my mother asking if we had charged anything to her card, and playing with technicalities I said no, since it was meant to be free.
Well this went on many times a day before and after school, with my parents usually gone at work I simply masturbated for hours. Finally when I was 16 I hooked up with a girl who didn't know I was a virgin and we had sex she only a year or so older. I felt like a man... when in reality I felt nothing. After that weekend I tried to have a lot, I had a little more confidence to try and sleep with other girls from my school. All attempts failed and honestly I'm glad they did in hindsight. The same summer I lost my virginity I moved to a new country and attended a completely different type of school. A boarding school to be precise. This particular school had a lot of messed up activities going on, and when I found a girl who was interested in me within days of attending the school, I immediately feel in love and within 3 weeks took he virginity.
This scenario of falling in love with the first girl I meet becomes a re-occurrence in my life. I'm done with that, with masturbating. You see when all these things were happening a lot of other things were set in motion such as my parents fighting all the time when they were together, when only one parent was present I constantly heard him or her badmouth the other. My brothers cooping mechanism was to constantly be the center of the attention to make jokes and to pull pranks on anyone. I was attached to most of those problems since I aspired to be him, he was the only constant father presence after all. So when I found masturbating it was a great source of relief, so much so that it became the best tool to relieve stress to release any anger. So today I have no clue how to express anger.
to be continued.... sanh
Monday, March 1, 2010
I'm not allowed privacy
Since I'm an addict it's almost like I can't have my own time my own space or even my own reactions. I feel so trapped! I just really want to act out. I'm sick of some cold, it's a rough one that's all I know about it, and because I'll play Freecell instead of getting on to my work RIGHT AWAY it means anyone can step into my room and just talk to me as if I'm about to have an intelligible conversation with them, even though I never said I'd talk to them, whoever them is.
I just want to break my 12 days of soberness I don't care for everyone telling me how to act, or to change things I can't change, I can't buy more food for example, if I have no money.
sanh
I just want to break my 12 days of soberness I don't care for everyone telling me how to act, or to change things I can't change, I can't buy more food for example, if I have no money.
sanh
Friday, February 26, 2010
I want to act out
I'm having such a hard time to not act out. I really want the feel of someone else against me and the sharing of our bodies... but do I want some one who loves me as this happens or just some one night stand. I just feel so anxious and frustrated inside that the only logical response is to act out. It's 10:30pm, we'll see what happens between now and when ever I find my bed.... hopefully not someone else's....
sanh
sanh
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